Wednesday, February 06, 2008
An open letter to all residents of Eddie Colman Court
Dear fellow residents,
On this occasion I would like to address certain individuals:
To whoever pissed in the lift:
The acrid smell of your urine might be an indicator of disease in the urinary tract or kidney failure. Possible causes are prolonged exposure to or abrasive contact with areas highly contaminated by bacteria and/or yeast infections. The recommended treatment for such a diagnosis is complete removal of the urethra, urinary tract and all accompanying organs. You need not be concerned about the cost of such a medical procedure, as the services of a skilled butcher have already been procured on your behalf to carry out the surgery with the maximum precision achievable with a meat cleaver. To obtain greater cost savings for you, unnecessary expenditure such as anesthesia and sterilisation have been excluded.
To whoever kicked in the glass door at the entrance:
The glass used in this instance is laminated glass, which consists of two layers of glass with a polymer layer in between. This same material is used in car windshields and gas mask eyepieces and in the event of impact, the polymer holds the shards of glass together so as to prevent injury to innocent bystanders due to extreme acts of stupidity. By adding more laminates and using thicker glass, it will be able to withstand larger impact forces such as bullets without breaking up into pieces. Your investigation of its impact resistance properties using your foot clearly demonstrates its feasibility for use in domestic housing inhabited by a minority of individuals incapable of civilised self-expression. However, you may like to further investigate this aspect using various blunt implements such as your cranium. Should you fail to achieve sufficient impact velocity, assistance will be duly rendered until enough samples are taken to be statistically conclusive.
To whoever is shouting “OOOOEEEIIIIII” in the courtyard between 0100 to 0500 hrs on random weekdays:
The author was conscripted to military service for 2.5 years, during which he was attached to the shooting team for several months. This team undergoes training to take part in the annual AARM (ASEAN Armies Rifle Meet) and he trained in the rifle category, achieving a respectable personal score within that short period before being recalled to his unit for operational duties. There was a time when if given an M16-A3, he would be able to shoot 20 rounds within a Figure 15 (approx. 0.5m by 0.5m) from 300 metres.
If, by some remote chance, the author should come into possession of an air rifle with sufficient range, you will be the first to know about it. He also gives his personal assurance that from that point onwards, you will be walking funny and setting off metal detectors for the rest of your life.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours truly,
Disgruntled Resident
On this occasion I would like to address certain individuals:
To whoever pissed in the lift:
The acrid smell of your urine might be an indicator of disease in the urinary tract or kidney failure. Possible causes are prolonged exposure to or abrasive contact with areas highly contaminated by bacteria and/or yeast infections. The recommended treatment for such a diagnosis is complete removal of the urethra, urinary tract and all accompanying organs. You need not be concerned about the cost of such a medical procedure, as the services of a skilled butcher have already been procured on your behalf to carry out the surgery with the maximum precision achievable with a meat cleaver. To obtain greater cost savings for you, unnecessary expenditure such as anesthesia and sterilisation have been excluded.
To whoever kicked in the glass door at the entrance:
The glass used in this instance is laminated glass, which consists of two layers of glass with a polymer layer in between. This same material is used in car windshields and gas mask eyepieces and in the event of impact, the polymer holds the shards of glass together so as to prevent injury to innocent bystanders due to extreme acts of stupidity. By adding more laminates and using thicker glass, it will be able to withstand larger impact forces such as bullets without breaking up into pieces. Your investigation of its impact resistance properties using your foot clearly demonstrates its feasibility for use in domestic housing inhabited by a minority of individuals incapable of civilised self-expression. However, you may like to further investigate this aspect using various blunt implements such as your cranium. Should you fail to achieve sufficient impact velocity, assistance will be duly rendered until enough samples are taken to be statistically conclusive.
To whoever is shouting “OOOOEEEIIIIII” in the courtyard between 0100 to 0500 hrs on random weekdays:
The author was conscripted to military service for 2.5 years, during which he was attached to the shooting team for several months. This team undergoes training to take part in the annual AARM (ASEAN Armies Rifle Meet) and he trained in the rifle category, achieving a respectable personal score within that short period before being recalled to his unit for operational duties. There was a time when if given an M16-A3, he would be able to shoot 20 rounds within a Figure 15 (approx. 0.5m by 0.5m) from 300 metres.
If, by some remote chance, the author should come into possession of an air rifle with sufficient range, you will be the first to know about it. He also gives his personal assurance that from that point onwards, you will be walking funny and setting off metal detectors for the rest of your life.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours truly,
Disgruntled Resident
